Yes.

Look at Me Now

2010-03-05T06:29:00.000-08:00

still full of words.

I must write because I must live.

But what I know does not distress me anymore.

Even if the subject matter is distressing.

It calms me.

Feel betrayed by Korean modernity. Why did my mother come back here. What am I doing here? Why is it so hapless that I must live this sort of life that makes it so hard to communicate?

Grandfather passed away today. He was a visionary.

I have this intense pain in my back, between my shoulder blades. Now that pain has some meaning. I must scan his photos. What a heavy back. I cannot betray what has built me.

Could I see with my eyes closed tight? A new question born from this new mess.

What could I teach these children with out breaking down?

I love when little children say "yes", even if they are afraid.

If there is anything because of their fear, it is tears. Simple tears.

They are wiser than their parents.

2009-04-07T01:23:00.000-07:00

a late night working. good times. good stuff. my back hurts and i feel like my mind is just an explosion of a bunch of crap, but it feels good. working is good. for me, at least.

I realized how sensitive i am to changes in homeostasis.... or something. i'm very sensitive to things like hormone influxes or body temperature change and things like that. so with the hormone stuff.. when i have normal female hormones... and no imbalance of androgens and all that... i become very erratic and bitchy...

humans need exorcism.

i need to exorcise myself from this one fantasy that i have. this one regret. this one person. it's an obsession. an unhealthy, unrealistic, ungrounded obsession. exorcise. must.. exorcise.

2008-12-18T20:07:00.000-08:00

aside from the fact that it's finals and i am stressed with a lot to do, i realized that the reason why i have been wasting a lot of time and writing alot on this blog is because i lost my sketchbook.

sigh.

i wish i could find my sketchbook again.

i wonder who has it. i'm pretty sure someone picked it up and is like.. reading it now. how depressing.

2008-12-18T14:51:00.000-08:00

you're just trying to find resolution and go back to a state simplicity that is not there.

There is no resolution. So get free.

2008-12-17T17:31:00.000-08:00

sushi chefs must be impermeable to the smell of fish because they have the fish smell particles permanently imbued into their nose.

i was preparing grilled salmon this morning and my hands still smell like fish and it is driving me nuts.

it has been raining constantly since .. friday?? saturday?? it's like someone burst open and their seams and their soul just came pouring out....

i was clicking around on fashion blogs today and i realized.. that fashion is... shit. i forgot. it was a fantastic rumination, though.

i was also thinking today that almost all success may be a result of some form of ocd.

well, i got a down vest yesterday from eddie bauer. the prices at the place are pretty all right. i like this place as compared to other girl shopping places in the mall because their clothes are actually functional and that makes a person who gets cold easily.. like me... very very happy. because i have not been cold since yesterday and i also have not taken off the vest since yesterday...

i'm almost at a state of disbelief that i lost my sketchbook.

it's almost like it never existed. so strange.

but it's also like a part of me is gone

so... i have changed i am changing.

gosh. my life. was in that book. :|

ah....

well now i'm getting myself down about it

for not much reason.

2008-12-15T00:00:00.000-08:00

mexicalexico is prettty fucking fascinating.

humility is very important in love.

no humility no love, yknow!?

2008-12-14T16:01:00.001-08:00

very much burnt out from writing..

mmm.

i was gonna write something about rita marley...

oh darn.

i want some hot chocolate.

i'm so sick of my project poo poo.

no more writing!

2008-12-06T22:35:00.001-08:00

finals, stressed. sixty pages of writing...

i have problems. i know. so what. right?

i really have nothing more to say or think.

juices sucked dry. yes that's right. i wish i could meet another person who is like me but different. oh person, where are you?

2008-11-17T13:04:00.000-08:00

I know i am not alone.

Never Alone.

I feel a little lonely.

Don't know how to connect with people.

Relationships are like food.

Some take time to prepare. Some don't. Sometimes those are not nutritious.

A little tired. Let it be...

2008-11-09T11:33:00.000-08:00

wasted 70 bucks on an endless summer "live screening" yesterday for the california surf museum.

boooooo.

well, it was really cool going to oceanside and all.

but. i learned one thing.

heart. soul. focus.

2008-11-02T20:17:00.000-08:00

sometimes i hate thinking

i wish i could turn my brain off

i wish i didn't have memory.

sometimes...

2008-10-30T13:40:00.000-07:00

I just met a redhead architecture design student from mexicali outside the ethnic studies office on the bench

she's wonderful. :]

2008-10-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

@ liberry

bleehh so much to do.

i want to live

i love imani coppola/little jackie

i don't know what i'm supposed to be... what i am... all i know is i am human. it sounds lame. but really.. i don't know .. gender... ethnicity yes.. korean... but part of the fob community?? no... where am i... not asian american... i feel lost... it's all performance. who do i truly get along with... nobody... i think.

2008-10-28T13:47:00.000-07:00

sometimes i hate how my parents' certain inferiority complexes become inscribed onto me just by virtue of me being their child.

2008-10-23T11:32:00.000-07:00

www.streetsy.com

it's interesting.

i have a lot on my mind but i have nothing else to say

2008-10-22T11:54:00.001-07:00

Ai Tominaga

I remember i was in Cologne ... five years ago? i was in a mall and i saw this booklet for the swatch spring/summer campaign. ai tominaga was on the cover. i didn't knwo anythign about fashion or models but i never forgot her face. and when i ame across ai tominaga sometime last year, i realized that that stuning asian woman in the swatch europe campaign was her.

so stunning. such charisma. channeled into body language and poses into the camera. amazing.

sometimes i wish i could forget everything. i wish i had the freedom to be lucky. be a pothead. get high and drunk everyday. live in a perpetual haze. that would make me happy. or rather, i think that would be a great way to live my life. i think it's pointless to have to be so "productive". you don't really NEED short term memory to live life well as a good person, i feel. well, to a certain point, you need things you've learned, and people you've established relationships with and stuff... but once you've established those relationships... and learned certain methods of living as a decent person... you don't really need memory.. you just need to DO.. and everything will feel new and that will be something delightful. but i think.. if you want to build... and build new things on TOP of old things, then perhaps it will be different for you, too. no memory is good but also not a panacea.

but... there's life... i guess.

2008-10-20T13:54:00.001-07:00

sometimes i want to burn my laptop and cell phone

i'm kinda glad vin lost my ipod

i want to live in a village that has lots of trees

and maybe a sea nearby.

this is the artist statement for the artwork that i haven't finished yet... the exhibitio is... next week? i was fairly high when i wrote it... i wonder if anyone willget it... it would be superbly nice if someone did... but seriously.. in all seriousness.. i need to write this fuckign paper lest i fail my class... arg...!~

Artist Statement, in Helvetica

If you get this, we could Meet.

an ongoing experiment on Identity, Freedom, Extra Sensory Projection, and Tensions.

but above all, Hypnagogia. using light, space, tools, and meters of time.

une femme est un femme en alphaville.

you take my red balloon. red blue red blue green. my head is red and feet are blue. wait for it… wait for it… and shooooooot explosion.

Hey Maggot Brain… get off your ass and jam. to be free is free from the need to be free. if you ain’t gonna get it on, take your dead ass home. just hit it and quit it, well, you’ve got to hit it to quit it. fuck, we’re back in our minds… again. hey Maggot Brain… I’m staring at watermelons trying to viva la vida, but hell, i’m still yoshitomo’s little red riding hood. perhaps it’s just destino or bach’s prelude No.2 or maybe a 4’33” measure of communication.

mouse rabbit fairy. sure sure sure, but fuck you from the water tiger(rabbit fairy) 19876. Thanks, but no thanks for your expectations.

“As I grow older I see more clearly and distinctly what is Right and wrong in our way of life and how REEDICKUL US is everything not achieved with one’s own Blood and one’s own Soul, everything not infused with Love.”

without shame, without fear, without expectations

"je..te..aime...je t'aime..."

2008-10-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

i was walking my dog this morning when i realized that..

perhaps the reason i don't relate with any gender

is because i just want to be a kid forever

but in a sense, i've already lost my innocence. a woman's purity is so flimsy

i don't want to have kids

i'd rather be a kid for life

i was thinking briefly about what the hell i'm supposed to do after graduation

i really... don't know

it's kind of.

scary.

but i want to go to art school for sure

or do something of that nature...

but it's like... what do i do after that, yknow?

todd becraft...

i don't want to become another artistic lawyer pushing pencils in some "progressive" law office somewhere.

sighs.

now on with this argness paper..

2008-10-20T02:22:00.000-07:00

i'm so fucking tired

i havent started my midterm paper yet

what amazes me is how much i don't want to do this. like... incredible amounts. disgustingly increadible amounts.

school just.. fucks with my style. no doubt.

2008-10-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

no point in makign plans

doesn't make anyone any happier, i don't think

just do what you gotta do and be done with it.

ride the flow

my dog is being an asshole and slept with my cousin last night?

wtf. my cousin is getting inexorably annoying. seriously.

in other news, i have a bunch of shit i have to do... damnit.

somehow i'm really annoyed at the world right now.

fuck. everyone.

2008-10-16T08:52:00.001-07:00

aww. i'm sorry. there's no point in making plans, i feel at the moment. what happens is what is right in front of you, i realized. the best thing you can control is the general direction in which you want to go. there was this girl i knew. and she died last wk. so many deaths lately, the third this year. none of the deaths touched me deeply, but they touched me nonetheless. the girl i knew... she just died peacefully in her sleep. her heart just stopped. she was perfectly healthy. existence is so shaky. one day you are here, the next you don't exist. chances are so fleeting. i remember a few weeks ago i saw her on campus and i thought i should at least talk to her next time. yeah... next time, sure. with people... there are only now and memories, i think. now is really important. now i feel like... i want to take everything and just work it Hard, fuck it Hard, and enjoy it Hard. but at the same time, i'm a lazy irresponsible spoiled little child who doesn't want to grow up.

you should paint in your blood pee and soy sauce like david choe. i just saw a documentary film about him today. he is so much fun.

i'm likely going back to jamaica in january to help build some roads there. i think i'll be in korea after that but i might stay in SD for a while. i'm designing some hats and i want to make a bunch of samples as soon as i get the time. i hope i do get the time. but damn i need to go to sleep. i'm supposed to be studying for a midterm right now but i'm just chillin here half asleep typing this to you. Love.

2008-10-14T13:07:00.000-07:00

she said, "without details you are a vague little girl with a cute voice."

he said "any douchebag will be nice to a girl who is at least semi-attractive"

she said "they are like.. here's my heart, now give me yours"

he said "yes, i wear my heart on my sleeve"

she said "you're really just like a fairy, fairy"

he said "we'll definitely hang out again"

oh... i get it now. he is a douchebag.

but what about the wonderful music?

people are... mysteries.

without details they are really... just... paper cutouts.

you are a tourist

welcome to jennifer nation.

oh god. i'm so confused. blinded. in bad habits.

churn through.

escapism.

is no escape.

hypnogogic state

2008-10-13T00:07:00.000-07:00

yeah.

it's awesome.

meow.

i'm tired.

bloated.

gassy.

so what else is new.

meow.

i'm just... honest.... try to be as honest as possible

sometimes people live lives too long.

i'm wearing.. a red knit beanie with a poof ball on top. a blue knit sweater turtleneck sweater. black ripped jeans. it really does matter, huh. details are important.
Lately.. i've abandoned any immediate dreams of becoming anything. i decided to fuck expectations, lest i stop Living. and i realized there is no point in not doing what you want. i just draw and write music and poetry, i try not to care if it sucks. my mission is to show that Love is Real. i meditate. i surf. i almost drowned yesterday, it was interesting. i swim. i play the guitar. i do my homework. i grow special green plants. I pull out strands of hair from my head when i am thinking hard. i have bald spots, oh well. i am constantly frustrated by a jackass Muse. i feel very alone, but not in a bad lonely sort of way. i've never lived like this before. nothing's perfect and i definitely don't have everything i want but i'm just chillin, flowing like water. i think i understand you better now. i think my favorite time of day is the hypnogogic state. this is that empty state of mind you have when you just wake up. words and thinking frustrate me sometimes.

2008-10-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

Bright Eyes Trauma

I don’t know why you smiled at me with those brightened eyes today

I don’t understand why it looks like you’re so happy to see me

Is it what I’m wearing

My make up

My haircut

I don’t know why I feel bad for ignoring you today

You don’t remember anything about me

You don’t try to understand me

Like I try to understand you

I know we filter the world in similar ways

I know that our hearts are similar

Or at least I think I know

In the end, you’re still a mystery

I wonder why two people, seemingly similar at heart cannot get along.

Share company

Enjoy company.

Create general positive vibrations

that counter all the useless shitstuff of the world.

It’s all really strange to me.

In fact, it hurts tremendously.

Don't know what to do but evade the question...

Maybe we’re too much the same.

Cannot communicate through normal ways.

But it’s a sad fact of life.

I live my life.

You live yours.

I wish we could at least be good friends.

surf

2008-10-05T20:37:00.000-07:00

went to PB and MB today. I actually like MB a lot. it's kinda homey. i think i saw this girl from my class there. thinking about about buying a windansea surf board. 450. i dunno. is it worth it? that guy from the shop really corralled me in.

surf was rough. god wave breaking point. gross. i think there was a rip current? i don't really know.

cowards annoy me. i mean.. you see... there's this thing called brave, right. and there's this definition of brave is. by society. and then there's this other type of human brave. like.. this understanding of deepness and an understanding of The Edge.

WEll anyways. cowards really fucking annoy me. SERIOUSLY. it's like.. i don't want anyone to encourage me to act more trapped than i already am. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?! goddamn nobobyd GETS IT. FUCK DECORUM.

whew. ok. today's ramble is over.

2008-10-01T23:37:00.000-07:00

Maybe I am a little crazy or what have you.

But damn, I am The Shit!

Life is a process

2008-09-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to realize life is this whacked out process of cognition.

I think i am destined to surf.

I think i am destined to teach in Hawaii. Or get there, somehow.

I think i am destined to meditate.

I was flipping through Kafka On the Shore.

And i remembered why i thought it was my favorite book.

It's utterly amazing. It reflects into the deep recesses of my soul. Do you GET IT??? Some people GET IT and some just...

That's all i have to say for a while, now, i think,

2008-09-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

I really like Nat King Cole's "Too Young"

But GOSH i really DO NOT like the song with its words in it. In fact, you may say that i HATE IT.

sometimes words or a story just ruin a song.

sometimes things are fine just the way they are!!!

I only found one copy at my school library with the instrumental of the song in it. But that's on LP. Jeez.

I cannot find the instrumental version of the song anywhere.... the thing is, i really really really like the instrumental version of the song.

It's raining right now. when i was younger i used to love the rain. now itjust makes me feel alittle lonely and cold.

I had a weird dream last night.

I saw a person who i'd rather do without last week. well, i thought i was doing fine until i saw the person. it was unpleasant because i know the person better than they care to know me. we're very similar people. it's hard for me to get over the fact that i finally met someone who i realized was really similar with me in the way we processed the world, but i'm the only one perceptive enough to realize it. and our environmental make up is worlds different. and so we cannot enjoy each other's company. it's strange because i know all of the confusion and tension is in my mind, but i can't let go of it. it pokes at me and makes me feel all these.... out of control emotions. i know it's not love. i know it's not even a sincere like. it's desire. a simple desire in me to find someone who i can talk with, or not even talk with, and they'll GET IT. but i am realizing that a person like this may not exist. a sandbox buddy with whom i can build sandcastles with. This is kind of why i HAVE to create. so maybe someday someone will GET IT. and i won't have to meet them. i don't want to have to desire them. it's unnecessary. i think people are most beautiful when they are free.

Suffering is intrinsic in life. Pain is not.

Life Update

2008-09-25T01:34:00.001-07:00

I have no idea where my life is going, but i'd say i'm in a good place of my life.

I'm torn between Teach for America, Grad School, Film School, Art School, and Nomad lifestyle.

The poetry workshops start on Saturday, I'm pretty excited. Apparently it's a privilege to be accepted into the workshop so i feel very lucky to have such an opportunity.

LA chicano murals are pretty interesting. i want to look more into murals and grafitti art in LA. beyond the stuff in the arts district. i feel like a lot of graffiti art is just really trite. like..a lot of what i've seen... it's a bunch of geometric shapes placed in a trendy way. if i wanted geometric shapes, i'd much likely get off on islamic art rather than something else, y'know?

oddly, i noticed i tend to grind my teeth more when i smoke the bud. i also noticed that people who smoke a lot tend to grind their teeth in their sleep. it's kind of disturbing. now that i'm not a just some freeloader, i'm learning more about the plant. it's interesting, to say the least.

I've been working on maggot brain the song lately, but i still haven't gotten past the beginning of the song because i refuse to look at tabs or notes. i just don't want to ruin maggot brain... all the nuances of the notes... i don't want to mess with it! I want to learn to play it by ear! but gosh... my fingers are torn up and getting quite a workout...

my maggot brain drawing has been stalled for a while now. i want to finish asap! maybe i'll do it next week. the deadline to enter it into the basement society is oct 25.

i went surfing last saturday, and boy, the waves were pretty good. the point where the waves break was pretty rough, and the waves were scattered though. i can't wait to go again. i got this really good face sunblock from shiseido and it doesn't wash off at all! gosh... i really love the water. i love water. sun. light. sound. space. measures of time. trees.

i've been looking at some 50's 60's hat designs, and i'm pretty inspired by their large looming shapes. i want to design a hat for dr fendrick but i never find the time! the retarded thing is, when i come home, all i want to do is listen to music, strum on the guitar, watch boring stupid dumb-down TV shows, eat edibles, listen to more music, draw some stuff, read some, surf the web some, mess around with my roommates some, eat some more, and then sleep. I actually don't really do my hw except right when i wake up. soo.... i decided that i will stay behind at school on wednesdays tinker with the piano, finish my hw, then leave. gash.. school is such a time sucker. but it's nice, i can't deny that it is nice.

I jammed with AdamO today, finished my first song. A lot of my songs start on C#. I feel very unoriginal. Jamming is interesting, and it's not easy for me. I think i will have to get more used to music. I think what is most interesting is how different musicians interpret my lyrics, tune, and song structures. It's endlessly interesting.

I am not bored. This makes me happy. i get bored quickly, but i think i am amused just as easily.

I want to go back to jamaica and make a children's book about the importance of maintaining sea life. i think i would like to write it in patois. i'm so over jamaica 08. it's all about jamaica 09, baby!

on another note, i haven't been feeling very friendly to new people and other types of inaccessible people lately. i feel stronger now that i am beginning to maintain what i actually have.

All is Full of Love

2008-07-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

I woke up to a good morning today.

I didn't get that much sleep. I'm really tired.

But my phone is receiving, and

All is full of love.

BE YOURSELF

2008-01-20T20:35:00.000-08:00

First Post. I'm thinking I better make it memorable, but then after that i think "how foolish does that sound?".