so i've been obsessing over this "amazing girl" "manic pixie dream girl" character type for the past few days when i should have been writing my paper.
well. i just realized what the hell was wrong with the guys i have been attempting to get close to.
first of all. i've been trying* to be friendly with people that i like. that's all wrong. i've been having trouble making male friends. you can't be friendly with guys. many are stuck in their think-with-dick and think-like-man-who-needs-to-be-fulfilled-or-released-by-a-woman-in-some-way-paradigm. i can't approach them using my own internal laws of being. which. sucks. which is why i suppose i shouldn't even try. my internal laws are much to precious and pure to be tainted by people who don't want to get it. i like my female friends but i don't know how to have like.. a "sisterhood". i wish i knew how?
secondly. just because i'm creative and expressive, people seem to think that i do that on purpose. NOPE. i wish i could be like every shmoe and find my release in banal fucking and video games and the perfect shoes. nope. expression is a condition of existence for me. and too bad. some guys think that i will try to figure them out/care about their art. i do. but i can't save anyone. i realized some guys who have been affectionate of me lately think that i can fulfill some kind of part of them or something. well. i have problems too. i only care about people who do not act conventional or are not nice to me hahahah. it's called being raised in an emotionally abusive household and then being coddled as an adult because of parental guilt. it's also because i tend to fixate on things with my mind and deconstruct them, analyze them, and try to "resolve" them if they are different or bothering me. (this is how i think out of the "box" and why ppl think i'm smart. it's just because i think all the time and think when other people are not. i don't think my actual physical abilities are extremely above average or anything).
well anyhow. i'm kinda pissy because i realized that pretty much all the guys i have been involved in expected me to fulfill some kind of notion o girlhood or woman type and judged me based on how well i filled that type versus trying to get to know me. i'm sure i've done it for guys too, which is idiotic. the older i get the more it amazes me how people are trapped little animals and how some people don't even fucking know it. i think my problem with guys is that i have never been considered a real fucking human being by a guy OR GIRL who liked me, tried to get with me, or was with me. even to my first... who i think still may be hung up on me... i think i was the magic pixie dream girl. or young girl sex kitten or whatever. someone who makes you feel fresh and alive. and so it's not even about us or me, it's just about him. it's weird. i don't think healthy relationships are supposed to be this way. and it's wrong. for both parties to engage in relationships for both parties without disrespecting each other a little bit.
the peace pipe is really a peace pipe. a way of great social bonding. i was smoking with a classmate a few weeks ago and we became friends because of the shared experience.
life's lessons. note to self: learn them.
